My meshugaas

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 09:17:42 GMT

Just took a EPT Certainty Test, the one step one (I don't know if there is more than one), and it came out non pregnant. That's good. However, I still have heartburn. If the heartburn continues I am going to have to take another test, but as of about 10 minutes after 3 am, I am "not pregnant". And I am going to have to look up reasons for heartburn, 'cause this sucks! I am very in tune with my body, and last time, was absolutely positive, without the need of a test that I was pregnant, only a month or 5 weeks into it...

Oh ya, my baby-daddy Mike got a hold of me tonight. He's getting married to Lisa 7/14/08... This cat is insane. He really really must want this whole family thing, I mean it's insane! He wasn't technically divorced yet when I even broke up with him in November, and 8 months after I break up with him, he's getting married! After purposely getting me prego! Um, can we say nuts?!?!?!?

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:01:52 GMT

I was going to get a pregnancy test this morning, but then as soon as I woke up (before I was even out of bed) my mother calls, and needs me to come over and help her clean her house. I am drinking my daily morning Monster, and feeling hearburn-ish in my esophagus, I think I am... Gah!

So I made up a fake job interview to go to at 1pm, so I can come home and get that at the store and take care of it.... Nervous. (is am understatement)

Wish me luck non-existent readers!

So...

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 06:34:24 GMT

So... I am so nervous. I might just be terribly nervous and paranoid after the last experience, but...

My nipples hurt. And seem habitually perkier... And tonight I have heartburn, I don't know if it's because of the beer I had with my BBQ dinner, and then freaking myself out or what. But it was the heartburn that told me I was prego last time. This makes me nervous.

Part of the reason I am so paranoid. I made a mistake. I met a man I really liked, and after only 2 dates, the next date, I slept with him. We started without a condom. I am mortified... This would be the end of me. I have had the shittiest month of my life, and I wouldn't be able to handle this. I promised after my first and only abortion, that I would never have another one. I can't... So I don't know what I'll do.

I really like this cat, but I haven't seen him sense because of family issues, so... FUCK

Just wanted to update for myself so I could keep track.

Oh, part of the reason this is so bad, I am still unemployed. Have been since January and I am going to be having to pay a large large large sum of money soon that is probably going to wipe out my savings that I have been living off, so I can't even afford anything, anything...

Late Update

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:06:36 GMT

Well, it's been 9 weeks since my abortion, I guess... That was the last time I posted at least. I finally went back to the clinic for my post-abortion check up. I mentioned my concern that I had not really passed any large clots, or anything that appeared to be tissue. The doctor said that those fears are very common and almost all the time unfounded. He also mentioned that since I was fairly early in the pregnancy, that it it doesn't really take much to break the tissue up, so I might not have any large clots because of that. Anyways, I had the ultrasound. He said everything looked a-ok, and there didn't appear to be any tissue left over. So hooray there. My period, up until this month, has been heavy, but that's no surprise since I had heavy heavy periods with my IUD anyways. I still have not told my mother, and honestly, I don't really ever plan on it. We are close, but there are some things she really doesn't have to know. I just don't see a reason. I made a mess, and I cleaned it up. I still do not regret my choice, and I don't think I will. The only hard part will be telling the man I eventually will want to have children with. But hopefully, we will have the kind of relationship where that will not be an issue, and with the whole circumstance of what happened, I guess I really have no reason to be so ashamed anyways. I am not sure why I am writing this like anyone is going to read it, more-so it will just be something for me to look back on. Anyways, I am now on Yaz hormonal birth control, and taking that everyday, and I like it! I get paranoid about it not working completely and me somehow ending up prego, again... God that would be awful. Haven't spoken to Mike in awhile, he seems very happy, and I am happy for him. Sometimes I get vengeful feeling, and feel like I want to tell him, just to get him back for being such a turd, but I know that it would really really wound him to find that out. And as much as some folks think he deserves it, I couldn't do that. (btw, it's 4am, and I am having trouble concentrating basically, so tired, but wanted to update). And, I have noticed that I am not really afraid to tell strangers, or new people I meet about this, but I hail from a somewhat small town, and I guess I just don't want folks from home finding out, I have told a few of my closest friends, and that's it, because I really don't want this to spread across town, like the wild fire I know it would. I was always known for being fairly uptight about my sexual practices, using and IUD and condoms, even with my fiancee (though we eventually laxed on the condoms). So the news that I got knocked up would be ironic to some stupid people back home, and I don't want that. I guess I have babbled on long enough. I do still need to lose some weight though, I gained some weight, even in that short ass period that I was prego, and then, I did have some emotional eating after the procedure, though, not from depression or anything from the procedure, but the events leading to me getting prego, and well, yea, having an abortion too I guess. I mean, I have always known I wanted children, still do, so a small part of me had this ideal idea of me keeping the baby, getting hugely prego, my best friend moving here to Denver from our hometown to help me out, like she said she would if I decided to keep it, and having me a wee one. I do know that I made the best choice though... I'd be just under 4 months prego if I had decided not to have the procedure. How crazy... Anyways, seriously, done rambling...

A few days later

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 02:20:52 GMT

Hey ya'll... Just thought I'd update again. It's been awhile so... Oh, and I don't think ya'll understand how much I appreciate your comments, both here and on my personal journal! It really means a lot. Anyways, here we go....

So, I haven't updated since the day I did my medical abortion. Well, that day was pretty awful. The cramps were either completely awful or not that bad at all... I discovered that for me the game plan was to take the percocet and then try and go to sleep as soon as possible. It worked pretty well. Once asleep I didn't have many problems, which is good, because with the IUD I had cramps bad enough to keep me awake/or wake me up from sleep! Anyways, the cramps mostly faded and are no longer an issue.
It was pretty scary though, mainly just because I was doing it all by myself. I just moved to this town a few months ago and only know a couple people in town. I only told one person, and he's flaky and I haven't spoken to him since. I only told him because I needed a driver (when I thought I was getting a surgical) ended up taking a taxi. Anyways...

I didn't feel like anything that was supposed to happened, happened. But I think it may have finally happened. I guess I just don't know what exactly is supposed to happen, especially because it is so different for everyone. Anyways, I am still bleeding, more heavy than I even was the day I took the medicine, which consisted of cramping, but no real bleeding. Anyways, I am going on a trip to see family in another state and I am staying at a very nice hotel, with a jacuzzi and pool, but unfortunately, no go :(

Anyways, things are going well... I am happy I went through with it and all. I spoke to the woulda been daddy today and he has become "promised" to another gal. I imagine if I had decided to keep the kid that might have put a cramp in his new life plan. Mind you, he is still legally married... Anyways, enough with that rant. I wish him the best in life, he is simply in such a hurry to have that american dream, wife and 2.5 kids, he's only 23. Anyways. Just thought I would let everyone know that it seems that all is well! After I go back for the check-up ultrasound, I will let ya'll know...

I'll add more later, I have a headache...

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 19:45:27 GMT

Feeling icky again... Just woke up not too long ago, cramps aren't too bad, but I feel nausea, it's awful. I must have not eaten enough before I took the antibiotics. But now that I feel icky, I can't seem to be able to get anything down... Bahhumbug...

So, I cracked open my rice milk, hoping that will help. We'll see... I don't want to take any pain medication today. I generally avoid taking pills, especially things like antibiotics and narcotics but what do ya do... Gotta follow the doc's directions.

I am just going to try and go back to bed after a little, it seems the best way to not feel any pain... I am suprised at how much easier this was than I thought. In my head I really had visualized earth shattering pain. Cramps so bad I shook the bed like I was possessed. In my head it was terribly dramatic and theatrical! Heehee... So anyways...

I am just babbling at this point...

3am

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 10:12:35 GMT

It's 3am, and it would seem that I have mostly stopped cramping (not completely, but it's no longer constant)... But I still do not feel like everything that needed to happen, happened... I have an appt. to go in and get an ultrasound to check that all the tissue is gone in two weeks, but I am calling Monday. I know I may seem terribly paranoid, but isn't everyone with something this important? I mean, really... Oh, and after choking down a little bit of food, I cracked open one of my rice milks and drank that with my Percocet instead of water, and that seems to have made a world of a different. No wanting to lay down on the bathroom floor! Hooray!!!

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 06:50:08 GMT

So, it's 7:40pm and I am cramping like hell! It's been a few hours, and I don't have much blood.

Just kidding, it's 11:45pm and I am still cramping, bad... But (and this is going to be tmi) I haven't had much bleeding, not as much as I'd expect. I changed my pad, only because I had it for awhile, I haven't needed to... That worries me. I thought I was supposed to be bleeding by the bucket load...

Another problem I've had is that the percocet makes me nausea, everytime. I am only outta bed right now because I am going to try and eat something... We'll see. God I feel awful... and I am 9 hours in...

Tastes bad, feels chalky

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 22:44:20 GMT

This Cytotec tastes like ass... I am supposed to put the four tabs between my cheeks and gums (two tabs on each side). As it's dissolving it gets very chalky and gross. Not the worst thing ever, but nasty.

After this I am supposed to "expect some heavy cramping and bleeding for the next 3 to 8 hours"

And four hours from now I am supposed to take another Percocet... Depending on the pain, I wonder if I could take one before 4 hrs? Ya think that's being too risky? Gah...

Day of Reckoning

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 22:01:51 GMT

I just took my percocet 20 minutes ago. At about quarter after 3pm I am supposed to take the cytotec and begin the medical abortion... My mother does not know I am doing this.

What she does know is that I just had my IUD removed and I told her I am still having bad periods, and oddly enough, I convinced her to bring me some of her percocet, so she won't be curious if she calls and can tell I am drugged... Basically the doctor gave my Doxycycline (an antibiotic), Cytotec (aka misoprostol, the abortant) and percocet (to help with the pain).

I am very very very nervous about this whole ordeal. I had wanted to surgical abortion, and I worked myself up for that, and was actually looking forward to it, just for this whole ordeal to be over. When I had my IUD inserted they dilated my cervix to 6.5 so I knew I could do it, and that was without any anesthesia at all, so I figured I could handle the surgical abortion as I would be doped up. However, when I got to the clinic, which was very nice, and very discreet. They strongly suggested that I do the medical abortion. They felt that because I was not very far along (only 6 weeks) it would be safer for me to have the medical. So, I felt that because this was their profession and the doctor had been doing this for 20+ yrs that they knew best. I now regret that. I wish I would have just had the surgery. I am a very controlling person, and this lose of control in the medical process really freaks me out. And I live alone, and have no one for support or to squeeze my hand.

BTW, I am starting to feel drugged. The percocet is taking affect, my movements are feeling slow and sluggish. I am very afraid....

So, my background story is that I recently at the beginning of the of this year became un-engaged to my long time hunny... He is in the Army, and we had been together forever, even before he was in the service, well he deployed for 16 months, and when he got back he was truly an ass. We had been having problems before he deployed but I ignored them. Anyways, long story short we broke everything off, and I did not date again till end of October, when I met a very attractive man, we started dating, and he got very serious very quickly, we ended up having sex faster than I normally would. Everything was going well until... I found out he was still married. They were formal seperated, but I felt very betrayed that he had not been honest with me. Things began to very quickly fall apart with that relationship too. I broke it off. A month later my breasts were very tender, I thought I was imagining things though because we had used protection, and the one time the condom broke I got EC immediately the next morning. Anyways, finally one day I had very very bad heart burn and indigestion, which I never ever have. I knew I was prego. I went to the store that night and bought three different home tests. All of them were very positive! I immediately made an appt to get an abortion, but I had no money, so I was doing a lot of research towards grants or help I could get. I found some great programs that I will share later (to hopefully help other ladies). In talking to him I came to realize that he was trying to get me pregnent... He was sabotaging the condoms, or taking them off behind my back. I have not told him that I did get prego, and I don't plan on telling him whats going on. He is very pro-life and will make my life even more of a hell...

I am not going to regret this abortion, but I am very disappointed in myself that I let myself get knocked up to begin with, even if he was a sneaky bastard. I should have been more careful.

This percocet is making me sick to my stomach. I feel like puking.... I will end this post. Post more later, not sure when though.